Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in shaunopolous' LiveJournal:

Monday, February 19th, 2007
11:18 pm	yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa been awhile. life changes. i cant keep up with it. i seem to be drifting away from everything i once was. <3 (Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
9:38 am	summer is at an end. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 21st, 2006
6:11 am	those who are wondering if i ever got any sleep.. well the answer.. as is obvious.. no. i thought tonight would be different. i felt a vague sort of depletion, but i guess i was wrong. they say alcohol is supposed to me a downer.. ive come up with my own theory. its not. though i did not drink tonight, as i stated above i wanted to get some sleep. i still got none (sleep that is) ;). if i did however, i might have dreamed of my phone ringing and a voice i once found some serenity in, on the other end intoxicated asking for help. what could i have said? so throwing all of those appealing hours of sleep out my window. i, along with my unshaven face would run to the rescue. im not a hero. my talents are diminutive. having helped this person though would have had nothing to do with being a "hero". i seem to have a big heart. fucking cursed is what it is. maybe someone else would admire this blight sort of affection towards certain people. maybe it was worth it to see the sunrise though. again.. i tend to think too much. not about important things. not about school, money, war, etc.. but my mind seems to be a fucking chaos. random and peculiar thoughts. thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking, and on and on.. trying to figure out the mystery of the world. why the hell things are the way they are. thinking such things as the economy being a mastermind behind everything. that maybe they have a cure for all diseases, but it would cost millions of jobs at drub companies. we could probably do without everything the economy advertises, but they stress it so hard we have started to believe it is a necessity. Fucking advertisement. Though if we didnt buy into this giant corporate scheme, then where would we find jobs? who needs a job anyways? something that will take your time for meaningless money. i say fuck the job. fuck the illusion that says you have to work 8 hours a day to ever be happy. i think its the opposite. you will never get those 40 hours a week back. louis and lestat tend to have all the luck.. hundreds of years of viewing the world. what one would give, but to never see the sunrise again.. the bargain seems to collapse in itself.. to put this in a painting would require a colossal amount of work. so i say fuck it.. who needs to paint anymore? a waste of time when beauty is all around us. in every cute girls face.. in the eyes of those we do not know. i need time.. time to sit with each person in this city. sit and talk to them, know how they think, how their mind works, why it works that way, what has been involved in their life to make them think this way. fuck it... should one memorize an encyclopedia to sound intelligent? or be intelligent in their own way? we all have the potential, but you must figure it out. me, i see into things. i see into people. i find insanity in the sane. an addiction. one of my many. as one could see my random nature just in this.. well like i said.. maybe this is all a dream.. but then again.. i didnt sleep tonight.. <3 -s (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
10:52 pm	is it that bad to take the wheel and point towards an edge? sit back and enjoy the show. watch the metal tear into my flesh. never shall i smile in such a manner again. this will make you feel better if you just pretend with me for a second. your grip controls the meaning of my life. thank you for always calling on special days. it means so much. take a lock of my hair from the box they'll put me in. act like you care. let your tears flow in the same pattern they always did. your an angel at 3 in the morning. night means your acts are devious and your words cliché. you want to be a model? well not with those eyes. ive memorized the dilation. your uniform yet destructive.. the drop from this rooftop will be such a serene fall. if i died on a weekday, i would expect some sympathy. weekends are inebriated. slit my wrist and appease the pain with your undomesticated language. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 19th, 2006
4:26 am	random. felt like writing. instance of gratitude devoured in nothing less than a set of cliché eyes. if you promise not to laugh i will cut my own wrist. let you spill my blood on a shirt that says nothing about me. im better at playing these games than you are. forgiving was never part of my nature. letting you walk all over me was. ill call it quits when you admit that summer is your weakness. sounds are disheartening when you dont believe that hostilities are vital to the survival of a night with less romance than that of a 70s tv show.. find my apartment tore apart with the smell of your perfume fresh throughout the domicile. my heart cracked apart a canvas stained with the brush strokes of your existence. i never intended to follow you so closely with my eyes. beauty is indeed the basis of destruction. power is longed by all men who wish to accomplish anything. stale presence of alcohol is traced through my veins. veins you twisted.. a pleasure it is to find a liquid cure to my dying crave of your attention. young boys never dreamed that fighting in war would leave them nameless, though quite mysterious. the thought of me without you is close to perfection that rises with the blue moon. you know alot dont you? i know more than you can imagine.. if it gets to my head ill glady smile and play unwise. we cant have you looking dire can we? all my clever words shall gladly expire. your a liar. i find it funny.. im a liar.. you find it tragic.. lets pretend were on the edge of 'deep' and fascinate ourselves by thinking there is more to the world. conversation is so underrated. your eyes wide and bright. if you died tonight, i can already taste the smile across my face.. your caskets a jail. one that will protect me from that charm you throw at the exact moment im feeling weak.. if it makes you happy. stay here.. your lies are somewhat amusing. i know more than you will ever know.. these memphis sunsets are good for something after all.. Current Mood: random (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 17th, 2006
4:44 am	so insomnia has once again taken over my life. it usually appears on breaks from school and is a sure thing every summer. im stoked about everything going on lately. meeting new people. laying eyes on new pretty faces. that one certain face that tops them. parties with friends coming up should be amazing. though i havnt seen some friends as much as i wish.. there is still time.. the one certain thing in the world is time. its beautiful but quite destructive. im excited about warped tour next week. im sure all the bands will be amazing. music.. wow dont get me started.. so i think me and billy are for sure going to new york next month. the girls he knows from colorado are going to pick us up on the way and then we are on the way up there. hopefully everything works out and we still get to go. there is an amazing girl up there i want to hang out with as well. so maybe i will get to spend some time with her and lay on the beach and drink while star gazing... i've never been to new york, but i hear its great. im not really the big city type. i like it laid back and calm, but this will be something new and i could end up loving it.. we will see what happens.. live it.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 8th, 2006
1:37 am	im watching eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. though ive seen it 100 times, it gets more insane every single time. how amazing it would be if we could erase people out of our minds. erase their very existence in our own little worlds. i know i would have visited that place a couple of times. or.. when you think about it, that stuff, those people all makes us who we are. who would i be if i hadnt been in any of the fucked up relationships i have been in. i think the world intends to shed some of its misery on us. though maybe it isnt misery? maybe its some sort of awakening that everything isnt always perfect. that is relationship wise. people that we meet have such a profound influence on us, but only if you take the time to let them. passing so many new faces every day i consider what it would be like to take the time to know each one of them. though would it matter if neither they nor i had any real effect on each other? this world was made to be a dark place. but there is light, if not how would we know what true darkness was? we wouldnt, we couldnt. the light is the beauty in the world. i hate how i dont take the time to enjoy everything that the world has to offer. sunsets and the insanely beautiful views this place has to offer. idc who hates memphis, they have to admit that we have some crazy sunsets and sunrises. other light in this world can be found in those we like to be around. i honestly love being around all of my friends and just being my crazy self.. im starting to ramble. so.. my best friend billy is back in town. thats amazing. sometimes i forget all of the crazy shit i have done and being around him helps to remind me. haha. we have so many stories and experiences that are on the edge of insanity. from drunk nights party hopping and me doing stupid shit like trying to get with guys fiancés and getting so trashed and somehow making it home to random hookups and stuff nobody knows.. me and him know.. haha. im so stoked about warped tour. the avenue is going to rock up there. everyone is getting hotel rooms and shit, its going to own. go to the concert which consists of 10000000 amazing bands then come back to the hotel and get trashed. duuudddeee... man.. i hate over judgmental people. i feel sorry for them as well as their thoughts. ive looked over it in my head time and time again. i think it is the mere fact that they are not happy with their own self so they lie like they are and throw out negative views of other people. im so sick of people who are so concerned with whats going on in their life that they cant even listen to when a friend, their friend, has a problem. ok.. nobody cares.. your like what 18? get over it. fucking sketchy people. were barely adults and you cant get over shit so small a 5 year old would laugh at. what are you going to do when your friends have gone their way and cant sit and listen to your selfish mess of sadness.. i can sit and listen and throw out something like i really care, but i dont. wow.. i guess that makes me just like them heh? atleast i care to listen... well.. i dont listen either. im lying.. atleast im not somebody who considers themself "deep". i hate people who try to be this word. its the people who say they are into certain music, words, art, scenery, emotions, etc. i have always been an extremely complex person. my mind is breaking the insanity bridge. i dont try to be this way it is just how i am. everyone used to consider me this shallow person who didnt care about anything.. well sometimes thats true, but thats only one of my sides. and i guess thats the point. this point that shows the complexity. i try to be myself no matter what. i always have. and yea ive been a jerk and been a pretty narcissistic person, but thats just who i am. its not all of me, but it is one of my personalities. im just a strong believer of doing what i want to do. i never want to regret anything. to think that my life could be full of nothing literally pushes me over the edge. ok.. so your deep? why? what makes you that way? because you like the beach? hmm. ok alot of people like the beach? but why? im sure your answer will be cliché as the next. you like art? hmm.. im sure everyone does, but what does it mean to you? what can you compare it to? if you cant think of something then its probably not your think. and thats ok. people are different and that is what makes this world so amazing. nobody is alike, so why try to be? why be like somebody else? their not your fucking twin. get over it. who really cares. ive learned that nobody really cares what you do. people who have to strive to look good everyday could take a day off and i bet not one person would notice. and if you have real friends it doesnt matter anyways now does it? i went to a funeral the other day. i didnt know the guy, but some people i know did. the guy was only 19 and got killed after he fell asleep at the wheel. 19.. you just graduate highschool and start college at 19. how fucked up and a waste does that seem? well yea it might seem that way, but it just goes to show you how much more there is to come in your life. im almost 19 and seriously so much has happened in my life, and its only been 19 years. shit dude, another 60 years seems unimaginable. anyways, this guy though his life was tragically short, he probably had a profound influence on so many people. that influence probably changed somebody else and that ultimately influenced somebody else and so on and so on. maybe thats why some say everyone is connected somehow? fuck.. i dont know.. maybe i just think to much. well thats obvious. i live in my mind 95% of the time.. atleast i do now. life is like tennis.. some of us are lucky others are not. its like how the ball sits above the net. it could fall back on you and you lose, or it could go over and you win. its just as simple as that.. yea i know everyone probably knows where that came from, but its really true.. so. back to the movie. i dont think i would erase anyone now that i think about it. that would fuck with my development which will fuck with my influence on somebody else, (good or bad it doesnt matter) which will fuck with theirs on someone else and so on. wow. random.. anyways, i hope summer is as amazing as it can be. get fucked up if you want. it doesnt matter. party with your friends and make new friends. do everything that comes to your mind.no matter how insane it is. im scared as hell of heights, but me and some friends are going sky diving soon.. shit if i die, i know i was doing something crazy that made me feel free (so i hear). besides it wont hurt when i hit the ground haha.. also take time for your family.. they are the ones who influence us the most and the other way around as well.. skeet skeet (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
12:52 am	ive been drunk almost every single night since summer started. i think i should chill out. i cant wait for billy to get home. it is going to be amazing. hanging out is so underrated. the people ive been around lately inspire me. i meet so many new people everyday. sometimes i feel that this world is only for me. that is crazy i know, but you have to think on a different level to understand what im talking about. alot of people cant understand shit. its like they were given a brain, but waste it. tragic yet poetic. i dont care what anyone says about memphis. we have amazing sunsets here. i recently painted a picture. it was something very random, but with so many feelings. it is me lying across the floor with my heart ripped from my body and inside of my hand. there is a shadow in the back. one can guess who it is. in my other hand is a bottle of. you guessed it. the liquid cure... i put so much into this. i made a few mistakes, but i think it makes it better. it shows the tragic beauty of life and all of its flaws.. anyways.. im still coaching this kids soccer team. they are amazing. ive never worked with kids, but its awesome.. i cant wait to get back on a soccer team and play again. this winter im starting an indoor team. its going to own! i remember games in highschool. people cheering my name. the sweat and hard work.. its so hard going without playing. i need to start running again. im out of shape. i can hardly see my abs anymore haha. i just cant ever find the time to run or anything. im always somewhere with people doing something random. my goal is to atleast start running a few miles a week. and i want to put a small amount of time to the side to read atleast one book. i probably wont. and ill probably have more of a beer belly than i have already, but i can pretend huh? its late. ive been pondering on insane things. gathering ideas for the movie that me and justin are going to write.. i think it will be twisted, romantic, tragic, and amazing.. rock on. -s (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
11:18 pm	I have not had a full night of sleep in a week. The delusion is setting in and I am becoming insane. Slightly more than I was already... School is almost out for the summer. I have maybe 20 days left. I am so stoked. I cannot believe I have already made it through my first year of college. It went by really fast. I have changed over this school year. Things are different now. Not dramatically, but they are different. I feel the adult in me trying to rage out. Im not ready for that yet though. I am almost 19 years old. I hate growing up. I remember the days waking up late and rushing to high school. Soccer games, football games, parties... I really enjoyed not having responsibilities. Now it seems like I do. I know I need to get my lazy ass up and get a job. A job... Man, where do I start on that. I hate having to go to work. People say that’s just being irresponsible. Is it? I don’t think so. I never want the kind of job I dread waking up and going to. I want to do something so fucking rad. I want to travel. I hate how typical people use the whole “I want to see the world” thing. I really do. Its like the usual " I love the beach" thing every person says. Im just like ok. Why? They have the same answers. Oh I like to tan, I just like the ocean. ok? Why. If you act like the beach is so great there has to be a better answer than that. Is there not? ok. Try sitting on the beach late at night and listening to the stars with the stars falling above your head. Clear your mind. Or better yet be out there with someone who makes your heart beat. Take all of that in with them. The darkness, but knowing exactly where you are beside that big ocean and knowing how big the world really is. Do that and tell me then what you think.. OK. So my dream job (I don’t know if it exist). 6 months out of the year I will travel to pretty much every country on the globe and eat at all of the local places, check out the scenery, talk to the people, take in the culture, see what the stars look like there. Then after doing this… I will write about each place. Nothing too complicating, just describe what the place was like and how I felt while I was there. These writings would bring me in $200,000 a year. Wow. I would honestly love that. The other 6 months out of the year I will probably still be traveling. I know that I will never be happy unless I am happy. Coaching kid soccer has also changed my views slightly. I would usually say I didn’t really like kids, but they are just little people. People who you can help turn into something. I feel like I have a part of their life in my hands. The things I can tell them and help them understand will stick with them forever. I actually enjoy it. Though I am always late for practice I love to be there and always end up making it. Maybe in my job description above I would travel and talk to kids and do something like that. Wow. Would be amazing huh? I hope this summer is fun. I always learn so much over the summer about myself and about the people that I am hanging out with. There is always so much more time to do the things that you want to do. I want to take a long road trip and paint a picture at every place we stop at. I want to go to the west coast and have a couple of beers and paint a picture of that stellar ocean over there. Life is such a process. You go through so much and learn so many things. People change. They don’t always change for the better. People just… change. It is tragic that people are so narrow-minded. There is so much to take in even with the simplest things. I think about crazy things sometimes. My mind ponders and wonders like a keen structure. I want to do so much. I am stuck in one place. What can you do? I think I am going to soak this life for all that it has. I once talked to a girl on a roof at a soccer field about myself. We didn’t talk about anything too problematical, but what we did talk about was helpful. I realized there is a lot about me that is different from other people. I don’t want to say I am special, but it’s candidly obvious that it is. I think I have been given the chance to do something so amazing in the world. I can do whatever I want to do. You need nothing more than the will in your heart and a friend by your side. You can do whatever you choose. I hate people who can’t be au fait with (understand) this. People who waste their time trashing their life are pathetic. Sure you may think its cool now, but in 10 years who will remember, who will care, what will you do? me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook because my hand thinks I'm an artist but my heart knows I'm a poet It's just words they mean so little to me i can't seem to deal with total trust there is something very wrong with me............ <3 close your eyes the dark outside can't hurt you and i will never desert your bedside so close them tight the stars are so glad that they've found you and on the blankets that surround you they shine their light they shine their light rest your head and i will be watching from the doorway as you drift into a perfect, peaceful sleep and morning will come in all its simple glory and you will find the light and i will be there standing in your shadow knowing that you once were mine all mine my baby <3 she goes back to the west coast to drink in the sunshine and i will stay here in these dead plains <3 all eyes on the calendar another year i claim of total indifference to here the days pile up with decisions to be made i'm sure all of them were wrong into this song, i send myself and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget this wasted year these wasted years devoted friends, they disappear i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you some decisions you don't make i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to there are some things that you can't fake i guess that it is typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know and there, below his frozen face you wrote the name and that ancient date and you can't believe he is really gone when all that's left is a fucking song i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you i know that its late but thank you for talking because i needed to some things just can't wait <3 and then the bridge disappears and I'm standing on air with nothing holding me. and I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark, for all those starving eyes to see, like the ones we've wished on. but now I'm confused. Is this death really you? Do these dreams have any meaning? no. no, I think it is more like a ghost that has been following us both. something vague that we are not seeing, something more like a feeling. <3 -s (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
12:14 am	So it's kind of late again. I haven’t been to school in forever. I plan on going to all of my classes tomm. It's ok though because summer is getting closer and closer. Im such a happy person during the summer. I guess cold weather, school, etc. just stress and depress me during this season. I have alot of things I want to tell certain people, but don’t really know how to say them. So until I find the words.. I guess they will stay inside. Anyways, let's talk about summer. I want to go on some trips. I haven’t been out of Memphis in like a year. seriously. It fucking sucks. I do actually like it here. I mean it’s my home, but you just have to get away from it all sometimes. It is always nice to know you can come back, but im big on getting away. So with that said, im going away for some of the summer. Alone, with friends, with family. However? It doesn’t matter, I will end up somewhere. The girlfriend. Idk. I love the girl, but sometimes I just get the feeling it's a lost cause. Maybe I need someone my age. The age diff isn’t bad, but right now I need someone up to my speed on things. Someone who can relate to the things I think about and want to do. Nobody is as sweet as she is, but idk how long this relationship will last. Sometimes I get the feeling we are fading out. That’s never good. People always try to think positive and see a future, but I guess im more realistic when it comes to relationships. I have lost in love and am prepared to lose again. I know it is something that is in my power to uphold, but the point of having to do that makes it seem slightly not worth it. Im just getting to the point again where being single looks thrilling. The whole not having to worry about the problems that come with relationships and having to worry about lies, and hurting someone. it is stupid. people shouldn’t "go out" till they are like 25. it is so pointless to try to get close to someone and care about them. I don’t really care though. Girls are pretty crazy anyways. who understands them? -Girls- back in high school I have to admit that I met some pretty crazy girls. Being directly open, I do cherish them of course. They are probably the most beautiful thing God placed in this world. Maybe they have to drive us crazy? Could be their whole purpose. I haven’t been in that many relationships, but i have learned so much from the ones I’ve been in. I've dated and known more pretty girls that any guy should in his life. If this is good or not--I don’t know-- I do know, pretty girls make my heart beat faster. I seem to have a weakness for them. No matter what girl I am with, and how happy I am. it seems like a new girl has all the answers in her pretty face. I think new conversation is flattering. I believe that i find a sort of thrill in a new girl. Maybe i get tired of people easily (its been said before). Once the new is gone, so is the fun. I always said that break-ups were sort of romantic. Its like the whole thought process that goes into it. The wanting of someone and not being able to have them. Wondering where they are and if they are thinking about you. I think the same aspect goes with starting a new relationship. or just being involved with a new person. you think about them and find yourself wanting to know everything about them, but when you find out this stuff.. what else is there? I mean you can have fun with anyone and get to know them, but what else is there? when does it just become a comfortable feeling to be with them? I think break-ups would occur alot more if people were not so concerned with having to go out and get to know someone new. --I don’t think im like this though-- I actually enjoy the start of a new relationship. Relationships draw us closer to other people which makes us realize that we have to care about more than just ourselves. My first relationship which turned into probably the most dramatic time of my life, was very crazy, yet helped me realize alot of things about myself and how the world works. so she came into my life and from the first day I think my intentions were sort of hazed. I, in my own opinion know I took this girl for granted. I didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Being a jerk and telling lies was only the start. I think I even found a sort of humor in her tears. I did care about her. Maybe I was too young to be involved in what we were. i was a really jealous person. I don’t trust girls very easily. I should have trusted her. we had many good times. more sexual experiences than I could count. but diff things came into play. the fact that she was in my shadow probably didn’t make her feel to great. she was always "Shaun’s g/f". I couldn’t help it though. I had my many friends, and she had her few. The girls at school also didn’t help. But of course nobody can say anything about me. I wont allow it haha. I think we would have broke up long ago if it wasn’t for that "comfortable feeling". that’s the point i am trying to get across. I know it gets repetitive. Anyways. I find a sort of beauty in girls who are not fake. a simple posture says so much. So going back to being single. idk, I guess it has its ups and downs. it depends on the season. winter is a good time to be with someone. we always need someone to keep us warm. summer, the parties, the people.. I would say it is better alone time. new girls to sleep with or to kiss, or whatever. idk, though. I have never tried to just sleep with girls-like really hard- it kind of just comes to me. im not some guy that only thinks about sex. my approach is to just chill out and if it happens then it does. why sit and try to talk a girl into sex when you could have them begging you to fuck them? HM.. Even then, I only do it if it's something that I want to do. I cant stand sluts. I hate girls who go and sleep with guys they don’t even know. I guess just for mere reasons like trying to make them like them. or whatever. too many reasons. the again, if you sleep with a girl who is a virgin, no matter what. she becomes clingy. they can say it will be something with "no strings attached" but its never that way. and they will always call back offering something else.. so ive decided that im going to follow through with going to a poor country and taking it over. making millions off of it haha. and living there forever. man I have crazy dreams in my head. back to being single--im so random-- I care about this girl, but I miss doing the things I want. I see my friends have girls around and they flirt and hook up with them. idk. I miss that. random hook-ups are fun. they make for great stories. Idk, I think I might miss this girl though. so im not going to rush into a decision. girls are heartless, yet so talented in ways I will never understand. A simple look can drive me crazy and crush all of my plans. I wish it would rain or snow or something tonight. fuck. class tomm. but leaving another incoherent journal. I leave the night outside my window. "words such as expressions let us search deep inside ourselves for true meaning behind the simple things that the day brings us." - Shaun B. iswearillwalkawayfromyoulikeineverlaidmyeyesonyou <3 Shaun (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
12:32 pm	So I realized I am crazy, but it's ok.. "No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness." -Aristotle Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
1:30 am	I’m going crazy. A simple life is all I have to lead. I can't even do that right. I'm sitting here at 12:40 at night. Talking to some friends about random shit. My moods are fragile. They used to not be? I think this place (Memphis, the people here, etc.) has really taken its toll on me. A hectic thing this thing (life) is to carry on. Right now I’m caught up in slight depression. Something about this place kills a part of me. I probably sound crazy always talking about this, but IDK. I guess I have a problem. I’m not one to ever be depressed. A friend of mine just told me that "I’m always the one smiling, laughing, and saying crazy things." I used to not worry about the future. I was only interested in what was going to happen today or what happened yesterday. Now yesterday doesn’t matter at all. Funny how things change. So, I don’t want to go to school. As interesting as some of the stuff is, I find myself not wanting to be there. I want to be on the edge of the world. I hope life throws more at me. Mine has been pretty boring lately. A girl I know just told me that her dad lost his job and they are having a really hard time. In the past I wasn’t very nice to this girl. I wasn’t really nice to a lot of people. I regret that. Why did I think I was so much better than everyone? IDK! Anyways, her clutch on her car that she used to let me borrow is messed up and it is going to cost her $600 for a new one and to get it put on. That was her apartment money. Their insurance got cancelled when her dad got laid off. So, I’m thinking I will help her. I can probably save her some $$ on the labor part. I have alot of friends who are really good with cars. I've treated some people so bad. My karma is going to be fucked up. It's all going to come back on me. By tomorrow I won’t care though. I'll be back in my carefree mood. I’m crazy. I know it. Early life crisis? IDK. I'll be happy again soon. If none of this makes sense by tomorrow. I'll know I’m crazy. It's too hard to describe feelings. You know exactly what you want to say, then you go on and on about this other shit. Stuff that has nothing to do with what you’re really trying to say. I've got to figure myself out. I need to figure out what I want in life. Who I want to be. What kind of person I want to be. I've been thinking alot about old g'fs the past few hours. It's pretty wild how i've messed up things that I wanted so bad. I guess that goes back to the feelings thing. I could never really explain to these people how I felt. The typical "I love you" can only say so much. Most people don't even know what this means. It's so easy to care for someone, but what else? It's not my style to go into much detail about this, but for mere explanation I have been in love. I have felt crazy things for girls. A certain girl in particular. Love? Yes? How do I know? I just do. I’m not some kid who has their first crush. I’ve experienced alot in this era. How bad can something hurt you ask? Well, pretty dam bad. Laying in bed hours straight, tired, and not being able to sleep. Wondering where a certain person lays their head at night. The possibility that they will call you and tell you they are feeling the same way. Ha-ha, who could be so lucky? Living the way we do, and doing the things we do. It’s not possible. People move on with life. They take a new breath of air and let everything you were out with the last. While your sitting losing weight, not consuming anything. They are out with friends having a goodtime. So anyways, this goes back to the love thing right? It's these feelings. And for me it wasn’t only that. But feelings of regret. Regretting being a fucking jerk, saying the harsh things I said. Taking every smile of theirs for granted--later to wish you would have noticed it and what made them smile. The sound of their name brings chills to your spine.. so many reasons to hate them, but its not possible. knowing nothing compares to the time spent with them, the memories. good and bad.. I wished things were so different. I know im just bad news. I know I fuck up. I know im mean, I know I pick the wrong things and make the wrong choices. But im sorry. I am.. I enjoy the scent of perfection, but im not perfect.. So. Getting over someone with alcohol is probably the worst thing one could do. Inside of this person, was something so beautiful that turned into something so crazy.. Then, there is the other people met going through this. Another girl I had my eye on. A girl who could say the sweetest things, who could look the cutest in anything. And that’s messed up by the other girl who already gives me these crazy feelings.. ha-ha, so this point im trying to get across is that feelings.. man, feelings are crazy. I’d vote for becoming antisocial(no feelings).. I'm the kind of person that would do anything for anyone. I might not come off like that, but I am. I was cursed with a big heart. I guess I got it from my mother. So take everything I know, and try to put it into a new girl? The new girl? Is that what she is? Just another girl? Another girl that will become what the rest were? Same feelings? Same problems? Same outcome? I’m alot smarter now. I don’t know if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I guess we will see what the future holds... Funny how everything relates back to that. Hm? Well, I have wrote many many random things that have no significance and that are far from related. But I guess that’s the point? Sometimes life is just something random. Am I right? Who knows what the fuck to expect? Maybe it will make it worth the while? I wish there was a book on our life and what we were supposed to do, and little answer choices that we could choose from.. ha-ha. but what fun would that be? Until next time.. Have the time of your lives. Make love not war -Shaun (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
10:06 am	10 Firsts First Real Best Friend: Jose Reyes First Screenname: i dont remember First dog name: sparkus First Piercing: ear First Crush: i had a new crush everyday First Love: B.G First car: My bad ass prelude First School: Raleigh Egypt First House Location: We lived in an apartment in cordova First Concert: brit spears haha ************************************ 9 Lasts Last Time You Smoked Weed: long ago Last Food You Ate: an apple this morning Last Car Ride: this morning to cbu Last Movie You Watched: uh.. i havnt watched one in a while. no cable Last Phone Call: abbey Last song You listened to: this providence Last album you bought: yellowcard? Last book you read: idk Last Bubble Bath You took: at britney's house. long ago ******************************* 8 Have You Evers Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: yea Have You Ever Been Arrested: yea Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: yep Have You Ever Been on TV: yea Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: yea Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: yea Have You ever been on a blind date: sorta Have You Ever Been out of the Country: just to usa ********************************************* 6 Things You've Done Today 1. woke up 2. went back to sleep 3. woke back up 4. got dressed 5. came to school 6. this. ****************************************** 5 Favorite Things 1. friends 2. family 3. parties 4. talking 5. soccer/ riding dirtbikes *********************************** 4 People You Most Trust 1. mom 2. 3. 4. ************************************ 3 Choices 1. Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate 2. Hugs or Kisses: both 3. Pens or Pencils: i hate pencils ************************************* 2 Things You Want to do Before You Die 1. visit every country 2. look back on my life and have no regrets ************************************* 1 Person You Want to See 1. my great grandma Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
9:50 pm	This will do So. I sit here in a sort of a relaxed state, pondering on different stuff. I think that I am the master of placing things in the back of my head. I don't even think about the things that would stress the normal person out. So does that say im not normal? Well, who really is? What is normal? Life experiences are the base of changing our lives. 5 or 6 years ago I had no idea what was going to come of me. It's crazy the things you learn in such a short amount of time. I've learned so much over the past few years. I can only imagine what I will learn in say.. the next 20 years. I'm one of those people who think about life. I dont worry. I just think. I wonder about alot of things. I have done so much over these past few years. Highschool really took its toll on me. I had the best times of my life there. I am really glad to be in college. I have always been so ready to grow up, now that I am sort of grown I am scared I guess. Scared that I wont make the right choices and will not end up happy later on. College is ok. Maybe it's the school that I go to that isnt that much fun. I remember highschool as a time of friends and parties. I even had a fun time sitting in class. Well, sleeping most of the time. I never seemed to get enough sleep. The things I don't miss and never will are the bad times. Losing friends, losing girls who I cared about. Doing stupid stuff. Drinking way too much. Drama. People always talking. Me not being able to do all of the things that I wanted to, bc of what people would say the next day. Fuck em. Now the days just sort of pass by. I don't know where im headed. Sometimes I don't think im going anywhere. Other times I dream about where I will end up. My biggest dream has always to travel. I love everything about it. I love to meet and talk to new people, I love beautiful scenery, different cultures, being in random places. I had always hoped to play soccer for a living. It would have had everything that I loved--Soccer, traveling, close friends, new people-- I guess I messed that dream up on my own. Hey it's never too late though right? I guess life is just a process. You really can make the most of it. I hate to see people sit and waste their lives away. You only have one. After that there is nothing. To sit and throw that away is the most fucked up thing anyone could ever do. Days go by so fast. You wake up, do whatever, then the day ends. I try to reflect a little on my days, and make them go by as slow as possible. Soon I will be an old man reflecting not on the days, but on my life. I want to smile in every thought. Regrets can never get the best of us. If it is something in the past that we wish we didnt do, then just think of it as a lesson. Something you wont let happen again. We all have a past, but we don't have to let it get the best of us. It's not the best of us. The best of us is what we learn from our mistakes and who we are today, who we want to become in the future. So with that, now I sit here and again think about my future. I love being young. I love everything about my youth. The friends, the good-times, my body, the people I meet, parties, no responsibilities, etc. As I write this i'm realizing that maybe that is what I fear the most-Getting old-- Or else I wouldnt even be talking about this. People always think I have it all together. I don't. Maybe I just have it a little easier than others. Im just cool, calm and relaxed. I really don't have it all like they think. I have my own problems. Everyone expects me to be perfect all the time. Maybe it's bc thats how I wanted people to think of me? I'm not sure. I've always had a lot of friends, and everything I want. I've always been happy and positive, fun, crazy, whatever. I guess that's why they think it? Who knows. Anyways, this life we live is nothing more than a puzzle. A puzzle that is put together faced down. The pieces are hard to find, the picture is not clear, and we won't have it figured out untill its completed. Till then. Live free. Love. Smile. Never say goodbye to the ones you love. Do the things that you want to do. Take everything in. Never take a day for granted. Make love not war. -Shaun <3 Current Mood: okay Current Music: Dashboard (2 Comments |Comment on this)